the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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