Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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