hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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