Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
