you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
