these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
