the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
