Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I want to fling myself into the sun
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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