my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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