Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
