Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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