You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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