I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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