hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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