shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
