I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
