this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
