Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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