I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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