: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
