Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
