A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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