he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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