there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
