I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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