So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Enjoy the penises
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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