im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
