so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
