all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
