i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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