Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i think i have two assholes
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
