I wish I could punch you in the face.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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