imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
