Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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