i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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