I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
