I am spending my child support on dildos
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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