I faked an abortion last night.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
