she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
