I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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