hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
