I'm gonna have a badass scar
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You took a bar mat shot.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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