Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
