she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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