And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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