How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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