She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
