I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
