Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
