My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
