Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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