apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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