I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
