Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Randomize
