I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
