I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
