I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
